It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission

2:26am: It's that time again
Most of my lj posts since coming to Carolina have been about basketball. Why change that now? My team is in a better position to win it all then your team. Deal with it. You simply do not have enough Tyler Hansbroughs.

However, my life has hit a crisis of sorts. I've wanted to be a lawyer of sorts since i was in elementary school. But the only passion i've ever had is writing. It's the only thing I can seriously see myself enjoying for the rest of my life. But with that comes the possibility of teaching and, heaven forbid, not making 6 figures before im 35. Not where i saw myself 10 years from now a month ago. Sucks.

Btw, if you ever really want to piss me off, call me chubby and arrogant. I may never speak to you again.

I love college basketball.

I love rappers who love themselves.

I love to write.

I love setting fires.

I love talking about myself.

I love talking to the people that I love talking to. You know who you are.

2:38pm: All good things...
Best. July. Ever.
Need. To. Recover.

Hola chicos y chicas, que pasa? I havent quite gotten my schedule back the way it needs to be from the past two weeks, as indicated by the fact that I have yet to go to work this week. That job is stealing my sanity. I'd like to quit. Like yesterday. I've got enough money to last me the rest of the summer. Anyway, I really, really want to go to Six FLags over Georgia. I have to have my rollercoaster fix before i get back to school. I'm excited about going to my first SEC football game in the fall, though I'm aware im going to have to wash my mouth out with soap after singing rocky top 200,000 times.

I want to go home. This summer has been a blast but I can't really enjoy myself as much as I'd like due to the monumental task that lies in wait in Chapel Hill. With my current GPA, I'm fairly certain theres not a law school in America that would even look twice at my application. And, they kicked me out of the honors college. Time to step it up, before it's too late.

My ankle still hurts. All the time.

Though this has been an incredible summer, we have all been reminded of our own mortality and just how wrong this carefree and ideal lifestyle we college age kids have come to enjoy can go in an instant. I didnt really know Mark, but the kid seemed like he lived more life in 19 years than alot of people do in 40. May flights of angels sing him to his rest.

My philosophy on lacking regret has been driven into overdrive recently. I used to use it as a way to deal with certain unpleasant consequences of my actions. Now, im taking more chances, saying what I feel, doing what I want and letting the chips fall where they may. This is supposed to be the best time of my life and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste a single second of it second guessing myself.

2:32am: Life is...
Diverse. To put it vaguely.

My energies and emotions are all over the place. I'm ready to start doing something with my life, but this summer just feels like im going through the motions. I have a job that starts monday. But it's not driving me towards any of my goals. I need to make better grades. I need to get my friendships and other relationships in order. And I need more Allen time. At school, i could disappear for hours or days and no one would bother me and i could collect myself. Here, i cant even take a shower without someone wondering where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be home and to have free meals and a private bathroom. But I need some time alone. I need to walk 5 miles in the rain to be alone with my thoughts. I've been hiding from myself for the better part of two months, afraid to be alone with my thoughts. Well, I cant hide from it any longer.

And happy post.

I am soo ready for football season. Butch Davis is being paid like he's a saviour so he sure as hell better perform like one. ESPN has us last in the ACC, behind a team (dook) that's currently on an 18 game losing streak. Ridiculous. I'm ready for band. Oh, college band. I love it. Away games, shows that dont matter and only last a week, good music, good people, free food, free stuff, good times. I'm also ready to figure out how to have fun and make good grades at the same time. I've never really been able to pick up on how to do both. But I'm gonna. Out of necessity. Music makes my life more exciting. It also makes studying easier. If I don't get involved in/ become an officer in something on campus, i think im going to have to change my name. Allen Pierce is not the name of an idle man. Ask my father, he would know. And, we need to get the cosmic, icees, and late night swims going. Soon. Like, yesterday. I fully expect some of those things to start happening in the next 7 days. We need to make the most of this summer kids. How many of us are comin back to the M next May? Exactly. Let's get on it.

If you read all the way to here, I salute you. If you leave me a comment, I'll be happy.

9:03pm: Where do i get off thinking this is supposed to make sense?
We lost. March madness is a whirlwind that almost always ends in sadness. But now that we're done, I emerge, like I always do, with a different perspective on life.

A few days ago, before the Round of 16, Jason Ray, the Senior Business major who portrayed our beloved mascot Ramses was hit by a car returning from a gas station. He died earlier today.

I think back on my weekend. A good weekend full of awkward moments, good basketball, good times, cartoons, overindulgence and no regrets.

The question I have is why? There are others, but it all comes back to why? A question I am slowly learning rarely has a suitable answer.

I find it hard to end this post without some sort of resolution. It's the writer in me. But life's rarely that cut and dry.

3:09pm: It's the most wonderful time of the year
March Madness is here! Could there ever be a better way to start the spring? A time of the year where it doesnt matter if you have Digital Cable or Satellite or rabbit ears because youre not watching anything other than CBS. Not in the right region for your game? Get to a computer! March Madness on Demand! I'm rooting for the right team for the first time in my life and we're going all the way.

Yiping and I broke up a couple weeks ago. It's probably going to stick this time, but who knows?

I'm painting the trombone I bought on eBay for 15 bucks Carolina Blue in the fall.

I should be on a beach.

Go Heels!

That is all.

8:16pm: What exactly is an auld acquaintance?
Happy New Year!

Time in M-town has been all that I hoped it would be and more. Good friends, good food, good times. But, Im almost ready to go home. To my video games and tv. I need to get my ish together with this school stuff. I am dangerously close to losing the scholarship that keeps me out of tennessee. For the first time in my life, I'm honestly worried about my grades. If I dont go to Carolina, no more incredible basketball games. or band.

My relationship has hit a serious low point. I'm not even sure if you can even still call it a relationship. It happens. Life was going too well for me to not hit some major road blocks. School and girlfriend are pretty major. Time to rediscover the healing power of sleep, Dr. Pepper and Dave.

And! Bowling and Icees. When's that going down huh? Where's mike? Let's do this.

I swear im not schizo. And neither am I.

On an up note, I had an amazing Christmas. With all kinds of toys. Like my krzr, the phone that is the embodiment of sex.

Cedar Point hopefuls (yes hopefuls, there will be a rigorous application process during the spring break season):
Whether or not the trip happens (and by happens i mean i can go) depends largely on my academic success this semester. So, if you want this to happen, encourage me to study and make good decisions as often as possible.

One week till I return to Chapel Hill aka the southern part of Heaven.

Bored? Call me. We'll be bored together.

Answer:
Basketball
Yiping Li
First 15 amendments
Barbecue
My favorite Memphians
Luxury Cars
Politics


Little known fact: I used to collect bouncy balls.

12:54pm: Lull
The good basketball in the ACC is mostly done until after christmas. Then, it's my favorite time of year. NCAA conference play and NFL playoff time! Happiness.

There is more to my life than sports. Like an amazing girlfriend. And cars. And politics.

Challenge

Place in order of importance to me:
Barbecue
Basketball
First 15 amendments
Luxury Cars
My favorite Memphians
Politics
Yiping Li

Get them all right and you get a trip to Interstate barbecue w/ me and a guest sometime in december/january.

I love Wynton Marsalis. But he's not on the list

3:04pm: Today's the day
Basketball!!!!!!

I love basketball. Nothing brings me greater joy than college basketball. Riser seats make me happy. http://www.unctickets.com/dean_dome_seating_chart.html See that area in front of 116,117, 118? That's where the risers are. Can you say amazing?

I've forgotten about the school part of college somewhat due to the start of basketball season.

Ohio State @ Carolina. 9pm edt. ESPN. Find me in the student section and send me a text message saying "I saw you on TV!" This will be my second carolina sporting event sans my trombone.

Okay. I would talk about real life stuff, but today college basketball is my life. In 4 hours I'll be waiting to get in the Dean Dome for the best basketkball match up of the year. Envy me.

11:50am: I get the best all saints day present ever...
COLLEGE BASKETBALL!

Now it all makes sense. What am i doing with my life? Why did i chose to come here? What is my perfect happiness? What will motivate me to do well in school? The answer is college basketball. God knows I love ACC basketball. I was raised on it. Now, wednessday, November 1 i get to go to the Dean E. Smith Center to watch the best basketball team in the country beat up on some private school in exhibition. Excited is an understatement.

Your goverment is spending 1.2 billion dollars in taxpayer money to build a 700 mile fence along the southern border of the US. Theres a Native American tribe on a reservation along the proposed path in a key location who is reluctant to give the land to the government. That is dripping with so much irony, I'm not going to point any of it out.

Today, I made the mistake of telling my girlfriend that she may or may not be less important than college basketball. I still dont know if i was joking or not.

I really need some barbecue. Interstate over thanksgiving anyone?

I worked out today. It's quite strange.

That's it. Stop reading.

1:39am: I freaking
Love my girlfriend. Her name is yiping li. She's chinese and she's 5'8 and she's absolutely gorgeous. And she's all mine. And there's nothing you can do about it.Haha, bitches!

I miss memphis barbecue. And band competitions.

So, carolina. The honeymoon is over. But, the marriage is great. I'm past the infatuation stage but im thoroughly convinced that it is in fact among the greatest places in the world to go to college.

I might be going to Singapore this summer. But then i wouldnt be making money. And I need my money, right carrie?

See I'm giving you the bullet point style again to keep up with me ADD, happy?

I love political science. And I can be done with all my gen. ed. requirements by the end of the year, huzzah!

I should be sleeping.

11:10pm: So i was reading through my entries.

March 23rd makes me want to vomit. that is all.

2:25am: Im a Tar Heel born, Im a Tar Heel bred
You ever just look around one day and think, "Hot damn, this is awesome!" Because I do. A whole lot. Thats what happens when you attend arguably the best university in the world as far as total college experience goes. And trust me, I have had a total college experience since whenever the hell it was I got here. This place is so fantastic. The weather, the people, the ladies (not that it matters, right carrie?), everything is spectacular. And theres this pretty asian girl in Philadelphia that I'm in love with that talks to me every night and tells me how much she misses me. My life is crazy wonderful right now. This past year that meant that I was about to have a car accident, but im not driving so what now bitch? Speaking of car accident, I saw someone getting hit by a car. Like a person. The car was backing out of a park and hit the guy standing behind it. I definitely had a Dane Cook moment. What I wanted to say was "Sir you're about to be struck by a vehicle" what i said was "Uh". Thats exactly what happened. It was pretty freakin hilarious. I made a friend with a car! That makes me happy. Usually i put little paragraph breaks to make it easier to keep up with my ADD but you dont get that this time so haha! bitches. I win. I freaking really win this time. My classes are amazing, this place is amazing, my girlfriend is amazing(-ly hot). So those of you contemplating college choices, come to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. But, if i act like I dont know you, dont be offended, it just means i dont like you. Kidding, I love you all. But theres two people who are quite special to me right now. I'd like to thank them for making this entry possible. They know who they are. It is with a heavy heart that i must bid you adieu. I have to be up in roughly 4.5 hours for another amazing game day. College band is all that i hoped it would be and more.

Nighty night night.

8:49pm: Well here it is
The last one. Last weekend with my friends. That's right, friends. Not acquaintances, not "friends", friends. I like 'em. I've grown accustomed to them. Quirky sense of humour, random quotes from God knows where, awareness of my desires to do backflips. I really want write a long heartfelt LJ entry about the good times, and how much im going to miss everyone, but that just doesnt seem to fit this group. A group that, if timed just right, will burst into nearly uncontrollable laughter with a mention of the word "pickles." Dont get me wrong, I am very very ready to go to college, I just kind of wish I could take these guys with me. You know who you are, now know that you are loved. A year ago, the notion that I would be a little choked up by the prospect of leaving a tight knit group behind would have been laughed at. Well that outrageous notion is now reality. I will truly miss meetings of this group of superfriends commonly known as PiLand. Here's to a great couple of years, and, Christmas bowling. Seriously, I dont know when, but one night, I will dust off the list that i keep on a post it note in the back of my head call to order a meeting of PiLand at CBC and let the night take us where it may.

You all owe me a hug before tuesday.

12:20pm: Lance Bass is Mr. Pink
Fate hates my car. No, I didnt have another accident. I went in for an oil change on tuesday and as I was sitting in the paraking lot waitng for the man at the mercedes specialist place to come out and take my car in the garage. Well I was enjoying the air conditioning in my car, blasting some Dave, when suddenly, I see smoke. It seems to be coming from my car. I turn off my car jump out and find it was coming from my car. Wtf? Good thing we were at the mechanic. My dad calls me today from El Paso to tell me they changed my oil and fixed my car. My car had been making a rattling noise for some months and my dad and I thought it was the result of a loose muffler and we fixed it. Apparently that jsut made the rattling quiter. My father told me my car cost 800 dollars to fix. I went in for an oil change, I got a new radiator hose replaced and a new catyliic converter and resonator. My car is old, and has been through a lot of trauma. But I love it. Vinny. I love Vinny. But! I want a Volvo. A red Volvo S60. Not old. That'll pass. Other than that, I'm ready to go to college and preparing for my ceremonial burning of my Duke paraphernalia.

My sister once told me I was training myself to be an a-hole. That is all.

6:08pm: Today's the Day
Well, after years of believing I would major in psychology, I registered for two political science courses in anticipation of my political science major. When you look at a course entitled, "the interworkings of the supreme court" and it excites you greatly, poli sci is for you. I managed to havev only one course on tuesday and thursday, granted it's at 8a.m. I also learned that my dorm is located in South Campus, which is where they stick all the freshmen because it's a mile away from The Pit. Thats right, your school has a quad, my school has a pit. Deal with it. Any way, two poli sci courses, one philosophy, econ, intro to american lit and band Maybe, forgive me sellers, spanish? But! It wasnt my fault, all the latin courses i needed were full. Notice whats absent from that course list. Math and Science! No more math for me, (until business calc or stat anyway). Also! No freshman english. Woot. Stupid physics was full and i sure as hell aint takin no chem or bio labs.

Also, I picked the right college. And that's all im gonna say about that. Apparently, "i'm from memphis, wanna dance?" is a good line. Not that i used it (often) mind you.

GO heels!
(The FIRST [and, as far as im concerned, only] Carolina)

11:19pm: I will miss Memphis (barbecue)
The main thing is, I miss my girlfriend. Also, I find myself not feeling anything. Like my emotions are dead. The most excited I've been is when i decided to go to interstate bbq for lunch today. A while ago, actually, last year about this time, i took a step back from my life because i realized I was taking things too seriously. It's quite refreshing when you can take an objective view of your own life. Every once in a while something would come to me that made me feel, car accidents, duke basketball, college acceptance and scholarship bs, but on the whole it was a pretty mellow system. The thing is, there are no highs without lows, no joy without pain, etc. It didnt really affect me at first, until I realized I wasnt enjoying the time I have left with these friends of mine. I've never really missed people before (save one), in all honestly, i usually forget those who i am no longer around. Not this time. We still have nearly two months of summer left and yet i beginning to miss them already. Not just my friends. People who I only said hey to in the hall, and only talked with in class. I sit here typing this entry, wanting to pour out emotion, passion in words, a process that has been therapuetic for me in the past, and I find myself unable to. Oh irony is cruel. See, one of the reasons I set out to take a more objective view of my life is that so i could observe it, to write about it, to express on it paper. But how can I express what I have not felt? If I write my objective view on my own life, I am simply writing a history text, filled with facts and anecdotes, not passion. And now I must choose, should i continue this outlook on life that has gotten me through so much this past year or should i risk my emotional stability to once again experience what it is to truly feel?

4:10pm: I got a job....
And I can almost guarantee I make more money than you do.

So here it is June 6, and I was hoping to go to see The Omen tonight but I find myself grounded. No worries, it's probably just for today. So Wedensday, we party.

I love my shallow entries, it reminds just how simple life is sometimes.

A girl i know from elementary school (in NC) added me to her friends list on facebook. Weird.

6:28pm: Resolved:
This entry will be usage, mechanics, and grammar error-free. The previous sentence is excluded from this judgement. I will not proofread it, however, so if it is not, disregard this statement entirely.

I said I would write a better entry after graduation. I'm going to miss high school. I'm going to miss my friends and the ease of work. I can't believe it is over. I am excited about college, however. But it isn't time yet. It is time to enjoy the time I have left here. "You can never come home again," they say and they're probably right. Coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas is going to be really weird. I'd like to think that I'd be able to come home and party with my high school friends, but I know that might just be wishful thinking. I'd like to think that I can go to Cedar Point with my high school friends next summer, but I know that is as likely as the former. It also saddens me to have to now qualify my friends as my high school friends. For the past 1-7 years, you've just been my friends.

Anyway, I like to bowl. Also, (and this is the statement that will get the most comments) I found out that I like Ben Folds. Who knew huh?

7:44pm: You know what this is?
It's a celebration, bitches!

Hey everybody guess what? Graduation is less than a week away. I feel sorry for all you who are "houston bound" ::wink,wink:: but I'm sorry ready to be done.

I get to work for Bridge Builders this summer. I am very very excited. Though it does mean i'll be stuck with rising juniors for three weeks. Oh well, it's gonna be fun.

I really wish I had more to say at this time. I'll right a better entry after graduation and at the end of the summer, but right now, i'm just really excited about the next week.

10:04pm: So essentially...
I'm a failure.

This year I set out with three goals: to raise my cumulative average to a 94, to be admitted to Duke University, and to go on a road trip to Cedar Point after graduation.

Of those three goals I have achieved none. What do you call someone who cant achieve their goals? A failure. I am a failure. i am now very depressed. I've a long summer of nothing to look forward to. Splendid.

I'm more depressed than I've been in a very, very long time. A road trip Cedar Point is something I've wanted to do since eighth grade. My senior year has been wasted. A parade of disappointment. Hooray I got a scholarship! Too bad that doesnt make up for the three car accidents in two months. Earlier this year, I felt so powerful, like all I had to do was want something and it would come to pass. How silly of me. I've learned a very valuable lesson. Dont expect success. Sure you can work for it and do everything you know to do but when it comes down to it, it's not in your control. Rarely is the person who has the final say in your life you. I think that's why people kill themselves. Their lives seem so out of control they feel the only thing they can control is their death. And so they take their own lives, just because they know it is something they can accomplish, that they themselves have direct control over.

Dont worry kids. Im not going to kill myself because my parents wouldnt let me go on a trip or because my senior year has essentially been a disaster ridden failure. Some good things came out of it. I rediscovered my love for bowling and icees and the healing power combining the two has. Right now I just need something to go my way. But I've been down this road before, and I know it's not quite time for the turnaround. I'll just take extra special care when making left turns.
I'd like to rant about how my Cedar Point trip was also supposed to be my graduation present, since I'm not getting a car anymore but i'll spare you. For now.

I am comforted by the fact that I know that everything will turn out all right.

It's hard to be excited about anything right now, but 16 days, seniors. 16. After that, who knows?

1:15am: Are you ready? Are you ready?
Ready for Wolfchase Honda?
Why? Is he coming over? Such a stupid jingle.

Good news everybody! Cedar Point might actually become a reality! My mom said she would "think about it" so there's a good chance I can go. Woot. It'll be about a 200 dollar affair. Well about 120 plus walking around money.

Cedar Point is the greatest place on the planet. I hope you'll all get to go. If you're into rollercoasters.

I'm ready for San Antonio.

I really don't have anything meaningful to say.

9:20pm: bow chik a waw waw.
Only because i just figured out how to spell it.

What's up kiddies? Where you goin to school? On August 23, I will go to my first class at ::drum roll:: THE University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I'm excited about it. I ready to go. Not ready to graduate. But ready to go to college.

Duke is not a school I would want to be bragging about going to right now. "You're going to Duke? Isnt that wher that stripper got raped by the lacrosse team?" Scandalous.

I need to read my book for English.

My life is relatively awesome.

Goodnight.

9:19pm: It hurts. You don't even know
Duke lost. Possibly the last game I'll ever root for them in. They lost. It cuts me deep. "It's just a game" they tell me. Just a game? Obviously they've never been in love. See lot's of people recall their first boyfriend/girlfriend as their first love. Mine was Duke Basketball. To me, there's nothing quite like it. I've been a fan of Duke Basketball for as long as I can remember. My first heartbreak was a result of a Duke basketball game, particularly the NCAA Championship game against Arkansas in 1994. In my house, this story is known as the "chocolate bunny story"

The NCAA tournament often happens to coincide with the weeks leading up to Easter. This particular March, Duke was making a run for the championship. Like many other six year olds, i received a chocolate bunny. However unlike many six year olds, I tied the eating of my chocolate bunny into Duke's success. "If Duke wins the Championship, I can eat my chocolate bunny"
"But what if the don't?"
"Then I can't"
Well that game in 94 was as close as they come, but ultimately, Duke lost. As any reasonable six year old who is denied candy, I cried. I cried for hours. I did not eat my chocolate bunny. As a matter of fact, the next (and last) time I ate a chocolate bunny was in 2001, the last time Duke won the Tourney. My parents dismissed it as a six year old irrationally denying himself candy, but what started as an innocent enough wager with myself rapidly became nothing short of obsession. I couldnt get enough Duke basketball. As I got older, I couldnt get enough Duke.

Next week, I fear I will experience another major heartbreak because if Duke. Not because of any sports team but because on 3/30/06 at 5:00p.m. I find out whether Duke loves me as much as I love it in the form of an admissions decision.

If you'll recall I had a pretty nasty break up this summer. Well that relationship was a year old. This one is twelve.

Now I have to go and prepare to recieve the punishment given to every big mouthed Duke fan in hostile territory. The taunts. The points well made. The arguments you can no longer destroy. I will wear my "Duke till I die" blue sweatshirt tomorrow so everyone will know. I'm not hiding. I am fully prepared to be a martyr (okay a bit much) for my cause. If I must suffer for my cause and then give it up, I will do my best to make Coach Krzyzewski (spelled from memory. they call us fanatics for a reason) proud.

Let's Go Duke. Let's Go Duke.

11:38pm: Right now
I'm not wearing pants. Ha ha! I win again

5:01pm: Livin it up when you're going down
Is that really a sexual innuendo? Good Spring Breaks all around I hope. I didnt wreck any more cars. But then again, I didnt drive any either. It's hard to get a job with no vehicle. It's also hard picking up hoes with no vehicle. Not that I usually pick up hoes. It's harder than you think. Just ask Oscar winning rap group Three 6 Mafia. I'm pretty content right now. I have to read that book but I'd much rather play my trombone. Not practice mind you, just playing. I hate practicing.

My dad got a new car, 2002 QX4 (Infiniti SUV). It's silver. He got rid of the silver tank that we've had for 11 years. ::tear::

My car is being fixed, again, against my wishes. Oh well. It's gonna be a long two weeks without a ride.

The excitement of the NCAA tournament is being overshadowed by the anxiety of college acceptance letters pending. True, I got a scholarship to UNC but I really at least would like to have been admitted to my first choice school.

Today is a good day.

I'm off to write poetry. Sweet, sweet poetry.